Is this flight going to take off?

Somehow, I find that I get the best opportunities to 'overhear' (or eavesdrop) the wierdest coversations ever at the airport. I don't know whether people try to show off what little they know or try to justify their existence on the flight. Well it could be a case of pure nervousness or fear of flying as well. Well, if I am nervous on a flight, I just try and be as stony faced as possible.

This flight of mine was from Hyderabad to Pune and it was one of those twin prop aircraft. For some reason or the other, this kind of flight freaks the hell out of me. Nothing to do with the stability or the smoothness of the flight. It just simply freaks me out. I have a seat beside the prop that makes it even more uncomfortable for me. I had arrived late at the airport and I am not much of a talker. So I won't say that I talked my way into the flight, it was a kind of pleading - bordering on begging, but the bottom line is that they let me in and I am going to say that I talked my way in pretty suavely.

The flight was empty and I am sure that because of the profuse sweating, the guy in the aisle seat beside me got up and moved in the front. His colleague was in the aisle seat beside me, but on the other side. So the airhostess has made her announcement and is walking down the aisle ensuring that people are not on their phones and everyone is tucked in for the late night flight. The aircraft is being moved backward to the point where it can start taxiing out and I lazily stare out at the propeller coming to full speed (slightly nervously). As the airhostess reaches my row, the guy in the aisle across, beckons her over.

"Yes Sir"
And I am not paying much attention, thinking that all he wants is a glass of water. He goes,
"Do you know that the propeller is not turning?"
The silence got louder!

The airhostess tells him, "Yes sir. but don't worry it will"
He says, "But the other one is."
She tries to pacify him saying, "That is because the plane is turning at the moment."
Which in my opinion didn't make any sense. If a bloke who thought that the plane would move with one propeller turning, didn't know that it would be pushed out, I am sure that he would not be altogether familiar with the mechanics of one propeller moving to turn the plane.

He pretends to understand, "Ah!"
Now glancing sideways, I can see by the look on his face that he is not totally convinced, and the airhostess is straightening up and starting to move forward.
In a desperate attempt of self reassurance he asks, "Both will turn right"
She smiles back, "Yes sir. Both will turn as we take off."

He leans back, she moves forward and I try and stem the flow of blood from my lip that I bit so hard so that I would not guffaw out loud!

Pilots should not be allowed to joke

I was standing at Hyderabad airport a week ago very groggy and waiting for the early morning flight to take me to Bangalore. I had a day meeting and a business dinner there. Waking up early in the morning was not my forte and not something that I wanted to do after two late nights in a row. I fell asleep promptly on getting into the taxi from my home to the airport, sleep talked my way though the check in procedure and dragged my feet through the security check. It is not a small wonder that I didn't forget my phone or my laptop at security. The moment I am in, I am like this drunken zombie, vacillating all over the terminal looking for my brown, heady beaned victim - a cup of coffee. I get my cup of coffee and stuff a sandwich into my bag for later and have just taken a sip, when I notice these two pilots standing beside me.

They are both having their wake-me-ups and looking very smart and spiffy in the morning. Made me feel like a hobo, but whatever! It was still early for me. If I wanted to look like that in the morning, I would have joined the armed forces. Pilot 1 is this smartly-dressed, well groomed pot-belied eastern European chap with a white french-beard and Pilot 2 is this cocky young lad sucking up to the old man and laughing at whatever he said.

Pilot 1: "I'll just finish up this cup and we'll go out for a smoke"

Pilot 2: "Yeah. That's fine. Take your time. The flight will wait for us (laughs)"

They then made up some conversation about the weather and that reminded them about some co-pilot of theirs.

P1: "Have you ever flown with Andy? (Name changed because I can't remember what it is)

P2: (Laughs) "Yes, I have"

P1: "That man is a nervous wreck. I don't know what happens to him on a flight."

Now I wasn't listening very intently and I assumed that they were just talking about some flight purser or someone from their office.

P2: (Laughs) Man I wish he'd stop trying to kiss so much ass. "Yeah. He gets totally nervous"

P1: "Nervous is not the word (use the Eastern European accent in your head. It makes it fun. If you don't know what an Eastern European accent is make it French, or Swedish or whatever non-American, Non-British accent you know). That man drives me nuts during a flight with all his fidgeting and shaking. Right from the take off, his hands shake and he starts sweating"

This is still not a cause for worry now. It technically can still be someone who is not a pilot.

P2: "Hard to imagine how that man became a pilot"

WHAT! I am praying that, Andy is not going to be flying my aircraft as I notice that the two of them are from the same airline that I am flying that morning.

P1: "I know! I tell you, that man scares the crap out of me. What with his sweating, shaking and fidgeting during the flight. He can't sit still for one moment. Drives the other person crazy as well."

P2: "But he is an ex-airforce pilot"

P1: "So what? I am an ex-airforce pilot as well"

Not a good statement if you are looking for analogies. Now I was hoping that these two blokes weren't flying my plane.

P2: "Perhaps he was shot down."

That did me in. Did the interview form say

Q1. Did you fly in the air-force?

Q2. If yes, how many times were you shot down?

Q3. Because of that do you suffer from nightmares and shell-shock?

All the way down to the flight, I was looking for the pilots who were to be flying the craft that I was in, to see if their name tags said Andy.

Once I was in the flight, I was relieved at first to not hear the same accent accounce "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard", but all I do was to analyse and think that if this was not those two blokes, then it might be Andy. And the flight was one of ATRs with the twin propeller. I hate those. So all in all a very unnerving experience made worse with all the time I had to think and analyse. Funny though. It kept me awake!

I would say...
1. Pilots should not be allowed to have coffee where there are passengers
2. Pilots should not be allowed to tell stories and joke