The Toughest Paper

As much time and effort that has been cumulatively dedicated to the study of ancient religious texts, civilizations, mental disorders, general medicine and discovering new sea routes has been spent understanding the fairer sex. Somehow this 'fairer sex' phrase is something of a misnomer. It's like you see someone you like perhaps at a bar or in a pub and you go hot under the collar. Understandable. Then your heart starts beating faster as you toy with the thought of speaking to her. Not because she may be the most beautiful person in the room but because you feel that this exam is gonna be real tough. Meeting women is always a high pressure event, something like an exam. In most of the encounters we are the ones who are weak or need protection (from the hulk at her side called Sunny). So why call them the fairer sex?

Think about it. Why is it that we males are always the ones being assessed? Why can't we do the assessing? Not that we don't. But that is different. In fact most women term that as gaping, ogling, leching (completely not true), eyeballing and if you type out stare in the Thesaurus you would get the remaining variations. Women check you out. The reason we don't feel offended at this is because it so rarely happens. but mind you we are still being assessed. If she likes you well you will get a sign like a come-hither look. (I don't think that this has ever happened in the history of my life though I do like to imagine it sometime.) Yeah sometimes it so happens that it is more of a please-pass-the-salt situation but who is gonna ever verify that huh? Well it does make a great story.
"Man! She is totally checking me out!"
"Get over it mate. She was just looking around"
"Dude, but she gave me a second look"
"No ways! That was just her eye-sweep on the way back. You are sooo drunk!"
"Whatever!!"
"Just finish your beer and let's go someplace else"
The interesting thing is that we love taking these exams. Whether it is the come-hither eyelash flutter or a quick eye-lock in a crowd scan, I would normally walk up and open my mouth. Yeah most of the times sound does not emanate. The result FAILED! Or it is "Scuze me, I have to pass through" Yeah you guessed it FAILED!
Now any self respecting engineer like me knows the value of the "Try... try... till you succeed" adage. (Wistfully: Brings back fond memories of that thermal engineering paper or papers ;-)) Well we return to our seat, pick up our mug and drown our sorrows. (Stupid adage never worked. You would typically end up writing that Thermal paper over and over again until the law of averages caught up and you passed)
Ordinary warriors have faced Vikings and hordes of barbarians with more courage than any one of them would have trying to talk to a woman. Heard of Hagar the Horrible? There is something to the way he acts in front of Helga, which only goes to show that you can never be free of those examinations. Unless of course you would much rather spend time with your tools or a lathe.
Coming back to those examinations. To get a guys attention a woman may go to the extreme of pretending to be faint. Then as she is falling he catches her and she looks into his eyes and the rest is history. Ever seen the reverse happening. A guy falls over near a woman. She picks up her skirts and takes to her heels. Where is the sympathy? Where is the milk of kindness? All we get in this situation is a look that one would normally reserve for the ugliest frog in all of Ribbidland. WHY!??
So you walk up to her and open your mouth. She smiles sweetly and touches the side of her mouth with her little pink finger. BELLS ARE GOING OFF IN YOUR HEAD!!! RUN! RUN! RUN! DAMN YOU!. And all the while you are thinking...
"Is there ketchup on my mouth, or something in my teeth? Have I not shaved the left side properly? Maybe it is not near my mouth, maybe it could be anywhere on my face. Is my shirt inside out? RUN!"
FAILED!
Another sticky situation is the one where you are pretty sober and sure that she is giving you the once over. You take that last swig out of your glass and swagger over. Just as you reach her she coyly slips her arm around the 100 kg Punjabi sitting beside her, probably called Pinky, Twinky or Pappu. What the hell does it matter RUN! You fool RUN!! This FAILED! stamp is better than having to see a bone setter or an undertaker for that matter.
Well well.... So you go over. And you open your mouth and some coherent words come out. "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
"Heaven must be short one angel because she is standing in front of me"
"You know what I like about you? My arms."
"I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!"
DUH!! You get it, right FAILED!!

At this point I am usually hammered out of my mind and just stagger home. This exam is way to hard. (Thinking: Man those days of the Thermal papers were just too good! Atleast there was a law of averages). Convince myself that it's just not worth it. (Yeah the grapes are sour if you wanna put it like that)
Who am I kidding!